I AssumeThat You Live In The West

I assume that you live in the West, and that for you too, the holiday season means awesome feasts, gifts and I hope lots of family time. To sum it up, the holiday season is the best season to experience ABUNDANCE.
But do you feel this abundance throughout the year? I’ve asked myself this question as I was working on my resolutions, or my goals rather, for 2013. I’ve decided that 2013 will be, for me, a year of ABUNDANCE. But not the typical worldly abundance, ie. lots of money, lots of romantic love, lots a friends, lots of business… no, my goal is to feel full of abundance, in the sense that I am content.

The abundance that we may feel during the holiday season is probably not the kind that is given by God, for it rarely lasts. I want abundance to last. So maybe it means that I have to rethink my vision of abundance to find the kind that God intended us to experience.
“Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance.” Jude 1:2. I want this verse to ring true in my life. Rather, I want to become aware of how this verse rings true in my life. Because in some way or another, this verse rings true in every one of us.
So how does one become aware of the abundance of mercy, peace and love in one’s life?
I notice the order of the words. First mercy, then peace and lastly love. It strikes me as unusual that love would be listed last, since I know that God is Love. Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:13 says “the greatest of these is love.” But God in His infinite wisdom puts mercy (aka grace) first because it all starts from His mercy.
Nothing we do can give ABUNDANCE. We can have all the money in the world, and still not feel like we have abundance. Abundance is a state of mind, not a relationship status or the state of a bank account.
Everything that comes to you is undeserving. There’s nothing you can do to deserve the good or the bad that comes your way. Everything you experience is a gift, sometimes a hidden gift. Therefore, you become THANKFUL for what you have because it is a GIFT to you from God, from the universe.
And once you understand that God has given all these GIFTS to you by grace, and that you understand that there’s nothing you need to do to be deserving of more gifts, you start to feel the PEACE that brings grace. Because the focus is no longer on you and your behavior. The focus is on God and His grace. And thanking Him for His grace.
And once you feel the mercy, the grace that God has given to you freely, and that the focus is no longer on you, then you can feel the abundance of LOVE:
- The LOVE coming your way because God is showing you how much He loves you.
- The renewed love of yourself and the opportunity to be more gentle on yourself because you now understand that it’s ok to make mistakes, it’s ok to fall. And that you’re falling doesn’t stop God from loving you and freely giving to you in His grace.
- You can start to love others more openly, and more freely because you love yourself more openly and freely because you know God loves you openly and freely.
That’s why “mercy, peace, love” is named in that order. Because everything that comes our way comes from grace. There’s nothing we’ve done to deserve the good and/or the bad. Every experience is a gift from God, there’s no such thing as a curse. Acknowledging that truth brings you peace because the focus is no longer on you. You can now rest from the bad thoughts you had about yourself. Which opens up space for love, to freely receive it and freely give it around you.
And that’s how you experience ABUNDANCE. It’s not about material possessions, it’s not about your relationships. It starts with you being THANKFUL for God’s grace, even if all you have is very little.
I assume that you live in the West, and that for you too, the holiday season means awesome feasts, gifts and I hope lots of family time. To sum it up, the holiday season is the best season to experience ABUNDANCE.
But do you feel this abundance throughout the year? I’ve asked myself this question as I was working on my resolutions, or my goals rather, for 2013. I’ve decided that 2013 will be, for me, a year of ABUNDANCE. But not the typical worldly abundance, ie. lots of money, lots of romantic love, lots a friends, lots of business… no, my goal is to feel full of abundance, in the sense that I am content.

The abundance that we may feel during the holiday season is probably not the kind that is given by God, for it rarely lasts. I want abundance to last. So maybe it means that I have to rethink my vision of abundance to find the kind that God intended us to experience.
“Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance.” Jude 1:2. I want this verse to ring true in my life. Rather, I want to become aware of how this verse rings true in my life. Because in some way or another, this verse rings true in every one of us.
So how does one become aware of the abundance of mercy, peace and love in one’s life?
I notice the order of the words. First mercy, then peace and lastly love. It strikes me as unusual that love would be listed last, since I know that God is Love. Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:13 says “the greatest of these is love.” But God in His infinite wisdom puts mercy (aka grace) first because it all starts from His mercy.
Nothing we do can give ABUNDANCE. We can have all the money in the world, and still not feel like we have abundance. Abundance is a state of mind, not a relationship status or the state of a bank account.
Everything that comes to you is undeserving. There’s nothing you can do to deserve the good or the bad that comes your way. Everything you experience is a gift, sometimes a hidden gift. Therefore, you become THANKFUL for what you have because it is a GIFT to you from God, from the universe.
And once you understand that God has given all these GIFTS to you by grace, and that you understand that there’s nothing you need to do to be deserving of more gifts, you start to feel the PEACE that brings grace. Because the focus is no longer on you and your behavior. The focus is on God and His grace. And thanking Him for His grace.
And once you feel the mercy, the grace that God has given to you freely, and that the focus is no longer on you, then you can feel the abundance of LOVE:
- The LOVE coming your way because God is showing you how much He loves you.
- The renewed love of yourself and the opportunity to be more gentle on yourself because you now understand that it’s ok to make mistakes, it’s ok to fall. And that you’re falling doesn’t stop God from loving you and freely giving to you in His grace.
- You can start to love others more openly, and more freely because you love yourself more openly and freely because you know God loves you openly and freely.
That’s why “mercy, peace, love” is named in that order. Because everything that comes our way comes from grace. There’s nothing we’ve done to deserve the good and/or the bad. Every experience is a gift from God, there’s no such thing as a curse. Acknowledging that truth brings you peace because the focus is no longer on you. You can now rest from the bad thoughts you had about yourself. Which opens up space for love, to freely receive it and freely give it around you.
And that’s how you experience ABUNDANCE. It’s not about material possessions, it’s not about your relationships. It starts with you being THANKFUL for God’s grace, even if all you have is very little.

These pictures were taken by a French photographer Alain Delorme

These pictures were taken by a French photographer Alain Delorme in Shanghai throughout 2009 & 2010.
He called the series Totems.
These couriers – mostly migrant workers from other parts of China – not only need strong legs but also acrobatic skills to balance these massive loads on their tricycles & bicycles while on the move.
A lot of you must be wondering where the center of gravity is in each case…. Think Big…anything is possible!

Image Printing

A Very Interesting Piece Of Furniture

Hubby and I went away for Christmas and we stayed in a hotel that had a very interesting piece of furniture that we don’t have at home. It was at the end of the king sized bed. It was soft brown leather, 6 legs about 5 feet long and 2 feet wide and was very cushy. This room also had a couch, a chair, a desk, a desk chair and this intriguing ottoman. Yes, I said ottoman.  But the only items we used was this ottoman.
I suggested to hubby if we could use it and what do you think? He looked at it and he contemplated and you could see the wheels turning in his head. My hubby was very inventive. His mind is enthralled on how this ottoman could be used.
So he figured out how we could use it, 4 different times. Of course this got hubby thinking of a different kind of ottoman that he could build. This ottoman would be custom to fit me. The height, the length, the width. I suggested we purchase one so it looks like it belongs in our bedroom but I guess are goodies don’t really belong in a vanilla bedroom, either. Not when we have a sex swing stand, ropes, and straps hanging from the wall and a shelving unit that houses lubricants, ropes, wash clothes and chains, among other items.
So I guess we go shopping for an ottoman that will fit me or at least see what furniture stores have that will get his wheels turning even more.
Ever since I told him about my love of BDSM he has been so creative. Not resting, always reading or researching something new to try because he knows he can try anything with me now.
No holding back now.

I almost wasn’t going to include this since

I almost wasn’t going to include this since it might seem a little silly to all of you experienced bloggers, but…I have hundred followers! Three digits, and I’m thrilled! To have a hundred people who came to my blog and decided that they wanted to hear more, well, it’s just amazing to me. And here’s what I know: There’s no way I could have gotten here on my own. Of course, my parents were a big help (and all the wonderful people who read my blog!), but having God involved made all the difference. I would have given up or run out of ideas a long time ago if not for Him.
Anyway, enough about me. My point: Is God involved in your life? When you start a new venture, do you pray about it first? Do you ask God to guide you in every aspect of your life?

Some Christians treat God as if He’s detached from our situation. Like He doesn’t care or something. Well, let’s get something straight:
God cares!
He cared enough to send His Son to die for you! If He didn’t care, He would have just let us wallow in our sin. He would have let us get what we deserved, an eternity spent in Hell. But He didn’t give us what we deserved! He gave us what we didn’t deserve! He showed us mercy and grace. We have disobeyed Him countless time, and yet He forgives us again and again. Why?
Because He loves us. God cares. And He wants to be involved in your life. Far too often, however, we shut Him out. We go about our plans purposely shoving aside God, the Creator of the Universe, our Savior. In doing this, we only hurt ourselves. With God’s support (and when we’re in accordance with Him), we could accomplish more things, help more people… If we don’t involve Him, we’re only building a wall in our relationship, a wall that will grow until we tear it down.
God cares and wants to have a strong relationship with you. Let Him into your life!

This Is Me

So I had some nice drinks last night and wrote something pretty personal. I came back this afternoon to find myself loving the visceral language I used. But overall feeling unimpressed with my grammar and some awkward phrasings. In the spirit of this blog I didn’t want to do a hard edit though, so after editing it a bit I’m reposting it here so that the original can still be where it is, untouched. Enjoy
Well this shall be a bit more of an adventure that my previous literary excursions. Everything beforehand was something somewhat of the past, but tonight I feel like being bold and describing where I’m at with my mind and relationships right now. Very much a risk in some regards, there’s a very good chance one or many of the people mentioned in the following post will end up reading it, but I’m okay with that, for the most part. I don’t intend to try and keep secrets about myself farther into the future, if there’s anything I’ve learned over the past few years, it’s that trying to disguise yourself in a stone face and keep your emotions and thoughts to yourself merely ensures you’ll be buried under the weight of them. I want to free myself of the chains that my mind brings upon myself, not add to them; so here I go.
I’m okay, I’m down on the floor but looking up faithfully and seeing a light that I can follow. That’s where I’m at in life right now. I’ve met and become acquainted with some beautiful souls while at my first semester at a new school and I can tell that overall the place is much better as an environment for me. I prefer smaller ecosystems, places where I can find a niche and disappear inside myself when I feel it necessary, not somewhere like Amherst where the weight of it being such a large place eventually rests upon your shoulders. I didn’t have a perfect first semester, I still messed up some things more than well enough to be ashamed of them. But I found light at the end of the tunnel finally. I see some plot upon the horizon i want to visit, and maybe set up shop. I finally seem to have some basic form of a plan for my life laid out. It isn’t the most fully fleshed thing, but it’s much better to know what’s the endgame rather than just flowing throughout life without a notion of where I want to be tomorrow.
That said, I still have much I want to improve right now with where i am. There are some things like physical appearance that are not really things I can change tomorrow, you just have to put your head down and appreciate any good changes in the future. But then there is the matter of my intense single-ness. That’s one thing I really do desire to change. It’s less of a feeling of “I don’t have a girlfriend” as much as the notion that it feels like years since there’s been anyone approaching that for me. There’s been no one flirting with me, no one to really flirt with, no ability to acquire to give away the more personal of expressions. And even given me putting as much of myself as I am into these writings, there’s still a lot of feelings that I’m only going to share with a significant other, and that’s just because of who I am. It’s what I feel comfortable doing. I’m by nature a private person, and there’s little outlet for private people when they don’t have anyone that can act as the conduit for the feelings that don’t come out as easily.
The problem with me searching for a girl to call my own, a girl to share myself with and hopefully for her to share herself with I, is…well I mean there are a few roadblocks along the way… But some of the basics are a continued lack of self-confidence in certain situations, mixed with a near complete inability to meet and be friendly with strangers for myself. It’s just not something I do, I positively LOVE getting to know someone, but I can’t stand the feelings of meeting someone. I just feel out of place there. And so I am often left so called circling the drain. And in some regards this isn’t the best option, but by some other token, I must acknowledge this is who I am and how I work.
There’s essentially two girls who are catching my interest as of recently. One who always has and one who only recently captured my attention. The one who always has is essentially an incredibly old friend who from the first meeting I though ” I want to be with her” and this has to some extent kept up throughout my life. She’s an incredible person who I feel all kinds of comfortable around, and is the only person I can ever distanctly remember the feeling of having to hold back from kissing them. Whatever the circumstance, they’re the only person i can remember my body wanting to take over for me and kiss them and i stopped because i valued the friendship too much or i was too respectful of the relationship she was in to drive my foot in between. It changes between the two or whatnot, but point being, I want to kiss them and had to stop myself, rather than pushing myself to kiss them. The problem being that they are such old friends and realistically someone who lives so far away half the year that anything would bring incredible difficulty, ignoring any actual difficulty in the standard relationship as well. But I still somewhat feel deep down that being with them would make me happier than any man, and maybe they haven’t recognized it, but i am the best combination of emotions and actions for them. No way to prove it really, and I could be wrong, but that’s what I believe deep down. I felt a rush of empotions about a week ago when I saw them and sent an abrupt text that didn’t really carry any subtlety or nuance to it, but i had to say something. They haven’t responded but maybe they’re waiting for face to face to respond in some manner? Who knows. Somewhat convinced this option is completely out of the question at this juncture in life, but at some level your heart hopes for what it originally wanted, and so I can’t stop caring without some resolution.
On the other hand is another female who seems to get me; understands at least the more complicated of the nuances to my psyche and her own and we’re very similar in some of those ways. But I’ve never quite actually spent time with her so I’d have to do something like that before making anything even approaching a proper write up on her and I. But it’s an intriguing possibility.
But it’s important to remember that that’s all they are, possibilities. I’m no longer in the game of professing love madly over the internet and thinking it’s a be all end all. Anything more than a spark needs to be cultivated; two souls born perfect for each other can still fall apart without proper growth.
And I suppose this is the part where I must conclude, given my own initial thoughts on the actors playing parts in my mind’s creation, my standard and probably correct prediction on things is another few months of questions and thinking and hoping; only to have the neighbors in their lost Santa light deliver the news that I shall continue where I am. Alone, but okay.

I had spun myself into a protection of silk

I had spun myself into a protection of silk,

for I needed rebirth, to feel my body change.

Metamorphosis encasing my soul with caresses,

I transformed, no longer ugly, no loner strange.

Time I needed and privacy I used,

to ponder over the damage thought done.

But nothing has changed and I still desire,

to share my talent with you loved ones.

I tried abstention from this relieving course,

but how my fingers craved this air.

Often straightening and stretching to touch the keys,

as staying away from my creations, I couldn’t bear.

I reached forward and tore open a freeing gap,

the poetic freshness I could finally feel.

I breathing in essence for my desperate lungs,

offering thanks to this window, I lower and kneel.

Climbing onto my chrysalis, I’m still careful to cling,

for time is still needed to allow my wings to dry.

Stretching them high and wide, I close my eyes and wait,

it feels so incredibly beautiful here, alas, I let out a sigh.

My Heart Is Placed In Your Hands

My heart is placed in your hands, by no fault but my own
To trust so freely, without believing things could go wrong
I see my heart there now, Just waiting to be crushed
Into fine powder, through the strength of your hands.
I want it to matter to you, I want you to want it
Yet you look at it as this foreign and un-welcomed object
As if the concept of ever loving me back is as unfeasible as the skies caving in
It is a terrible feeling; to want to be wanted and yet have no chance
To give your everything and your all, just for it to be unnoticed
Isn’t that life
You try and try, pushing yourself up the steepest hill; Only to get knocked back by the wind
The feelings I have for you at times are overwhelming. Like a cascade of water just waiting to drown me
Moving on isn’t simple
But maybe that is the only way to do it
How do you toss aside love
How do I put down my open hands, waiting for your heart as well
To have it in my hands, and have the power to make you feel the way I feel about you
To make you see the things you do to me; with just one simple touch, one simple caress
To feel your heart melt at the very thought of me, at my very touch; would mean more than you know
But until then, you have mine
Until I can’t take the pain of waiting for you any longer
I am here, and I will always love you
I just won’t wait on this forever
I can’t
I believe
I hope