This Is Me

So I had some nice drinks last night and wrote something pretty personal. I came back this afternoon to find myself loving the visceral language I used. But overall feeling unimpressed with my grammar and some awkward phrasings. In the spirit of this blog I didn’t want to do a hard edit though, so after editing it a bit I’m reposting it here so that the original can still be where it is, untouched. Enjoy
Well this shall be a bit more of an adventure that my previous literary excursions. Everything beforehand was something somewhat of the past, but tonight I feel like being bold and describing where I’m at with my mind and relationships right now. Very much a risk in some regards, there’s a very good chance one or many of the people mentioned in the following post will end up reading it, but I’m okay with that, for the most part. I don’t intend to try and keep secrets about myself farther into the future, if there’s anything I’ve learned over the past few years, it’s that trying to disguise yourself in a stone face and keep your emotions and thoughts to yourself merely ensures you’ll be buried under the weight of them. I want to free myself of the chains that my mind brings upon myself, not add to them; so here I go.
I’m okay, I’m down on the floor but looking up faithfully and seeing a light that I can follow. That’s where I’m at in life right now. I’ve met and become acquainted with some beautiful souls while at my first semester at a new school and I can tell that overall the place is much better as an environment for me. I prefer smaller ecosystems, places where I can find a niche and disappear inside myself when I feel it necessary, not somewhere like Amherst where the weight of it being such a large place eventually rests upon your shoulders. I didn’t have a perfect first semester, I still messed up some things more than well enough to be ashamed of them. But I found light at the end of the tunnel finally. I see some plot upon the horizon i want to visit, and maybe set up shop. I finally seem to have some basic form of a plan for my life laid out. It isn’t the most fully fleshed thing, but it’s much better to know what’s the endgame rather than just flowing throughout life without a notion of where I want to be tomorrow.
That said, I still have much I want to improve right now with where i am. There are some things like physical appearance that are not really things I can change tomorrow, you just have to put your head down and appreciate any good changes in the future. But then there is the matter of my intense single-ness. That’s one thing I really do desire to change. It’s less of a feeling of “I don’t have a girlfriend” as much as the notion that it feels like years since there’s been anyone approaching that for me. There’s been no one flirting with me, no one to really flirt with, no ability to acquire to give away the more personal of expressions. And even given me putting as much of myself as I am into these writings, there’s still a lot of feelings that I’m only going to share with a significant other, and that’s just because of who I am. It’s what I feel comfortable doing. I’m by nature a private person, and there’s little outlet for private people when they don’t have anyone that can act as the conduit for the feelings that don’t come out as easily.
The problem with me searching for a girl to call my own, a girl to share myself with and hopefully for her to share herself with I, is…well I mean there are a few roadblocks along the way… But some of the basics are a continued lack of self-confidence in certain situations, mixed with a near complete inability to meet and be friendly with strangers for myself. It’s just not something I do, I positively LOVE getting to know someone, but I can’t stand the feelings of meeting someone. I just feel out of place there. And so I am often left so called circling the drain. And in some regards this isn’t the best option, but by some other token, I must acknowledge this is who I am and how I work.
There’s essentially two girls who are catching my interest as of recently. One who always has and one who only recently captured my attention. The one who always has is essentially an incredibly old friend who from the first meeting I though ” I want to be with her” and this has to some extent kept up throughout my life. She’s an incredible person who I feel all kinds of comfortable around, and is the only person I can ever distanctly remember the feeling of having to hold back from kissing them. Whatever the circumstance, they’re the only person i can remember my body wanting to take over for me and kiss them and i stopped because i valued the friendship too much or i was too respectful of the relationship she was in to drive my foot in between. It changes between the two or whatnot, but point being, I want to kiss them and had to stop myself, rather than pushing myself to kiss them. The problem being that they are such old friends and realistically someone who lives so far away half the year that anything would bring incredible difficulty, ignoring any actual difficulty in the standard relationship as well. But I still somewhat feel deep down that being with them would make me happier than any man, and maybe they haven’t recognized it, but i am the best combination of emotions and actions for them. No way to prove it really, and I could be wrong, but that’s what I believe deep down. I felt a rush of empotions about a week ago when I saw them and sent an abrupt text that didn’t really carry any subtlety or nuance to it, but i had to say something. They haven’t responded but maybe they’re waiting for face to face to respond in some manner? Who knows. Somewhat convinced this option is completely out of the question at this juncture in life, but at some level your heart hopes for what it originally wanted, and so I can’t stop caring without some resolution.
On the other hand is another female who seems to get me; understands at least the more complicated of the nuances to my psyche and her own and we’re very similar in some of those ways. But I’ve never quite actually spent time with her so I’d have to do something like that before making anything even approaching a proper write up on her and I. But it’s an intriguing possibility.
But it’s important to remember that that’s all they are, possibilities. I’m no longer in the game of professing love madly over the internet and thinking it’s a be all end all. Anything more than a spark needs to be cultivated; two souls born perfect for each other can still fall apart without proper growth.
And I suppose this is the part where I must conclude, given my own initial thoughts on the actors playing parts in my mind’s creation, my standard and probably correct prediction on things is another few months of questions and thinking and hoping; only to have the neighbors in their lost Santa light deliver the news that I shall continue where I am. Alone, but okay.